What I want to say is … (and other last minute wedding woes)

A few weeks ago, I shared with you my rant on inconsiderate and unreliable people. It felt good to let that out. During our 13 month engagement, I prided myself on having a relatively stress-free wedding planning process. We even got most of our wedding-related tasks done by late September, nearly six weeks before our wedding! But these last few weeks have gotten a bit rougher, mostly regarding three issues. I want to say forthright (and potentially mean) things to people about these issues, but I don’t want to be hurtful, so I’m saying them to the internet instead. 

1) As trivial as it sounds, picking up a cousin from the airport has become a major point of contention. My dad’s 50-ish year old single cousin is flying to DC the day before the wedding. She won’t rent a car because she doesn’t like driving in unfamiliar cities, and she won’t use the metro. So, if you can believe this, my family told me (not asked) to pick her up from the airport the day before the wedding. This is ridiculous on a couple of levels. 1) The bride and groom should not have to pick anyone up the day before their wedding. 2) She arrives during morning RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. It’s a 35 minute drive to the airport one-way in zero traffic. I’d estimate it would take at least two hours each way in traffic. I need to be at the wedding venue and getting things set up that morning, not wasting my time in traffic! Plus, I’d like to add that she has a 35 minute connection in Philadelphia before she arrives in DC. What if she misses her connection? We’re not waiting around for her!  Taxis, SuperShuttle, and metro are all out of the question apparently. So, here’s what I want to say (but won’t).

Dear Cousin. You are a GROWN WOMAN. Yes, I realize you’re not “familiar with the DC metro system,” but guess what? Neither was I when I first moved here! I figured it out. Sure, I got mixed up a few times. You know what else? I TRAVEL TO THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES AND FIGURE OUT THEIR PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION SYSTEMS. Trains in India? You bet. Women-only metro cars in Cairo? I was glad when I figured that one out! Saigon pedi-cab things? Been there, done that, almost died. So, you can drag your butt onto one of the cleanest, safest metro systems in the country and allow us to avoid a shitload of rush hour traffic and our sanity on what we’re trying to make a lovely, relaxing day.

Initially my parents were going to pick her up, but that brings me to my next point: 

2) Getting my family to stay in hotels the days before the wedding. I’ve mentioned before that my family does not have a lot of money. And, I don’t want to sound whiny, because seriously, I wouldn’t have taken their money if they offered because I know they couldn’t afford a wedding, but Ken and I have planned and paid for this entire wedding. Haven’t asked you for any help, and haven’t asked you for a dime. So, I can’t believe that you wouldn’t be so difficult about my request that you stay in a hotel when you’re in town for the wedding so that Ken and I can have our peace at home. Yes, even if you “promise to stay out of our way” and yes, even if we “won’t even know you’re there.” You are welcome in our house any other time. But not this time. I know that $80-ish/night is expensive for a hotel. But, our wedding has been expensive too!  I told you MONTHS ago that I did not want you at the house before the wedding. Did you think I forgot about this request the other day when you just casually mentioned all the people that would be staying at our house? And when I told you that we had taken apart the guest bedroom bed to make room for all our wedding supplies, I did not appreciate you telling me that I could just “sleep on the couch in the basement.” Yes, because a backache would be just lovely right before my wedding.

What does this have to do with my cousin needing a ride to the airport? Well, the other day my parents said they would just leave our house Thursday morning and pick up the cousin from the airport themselves (the same conversation they told me I could just sleep on the sofa). I gently reminded them about the hotel issue. They refuse to drive all the way from the hotel near the venue to the airport. So, it’s either A) They stay at the house and pick up my cousin, or B) They stay at a hotel and I have to pick up my cousin. I told them that I absolutely could not pick her up the morning before the wedding day. So, my sister calls me trying to figure out cheaper hotels that are closer to the airport or our house. During which, my sister also offered to stay at our house (promising, of course, to “stay out of our way”) so that SHE could go pick up my cousin.

Here’s what I want to say to them (but won’t).

Ken and I have planned an entire wedding by ourselves. No outside help. Zero. Invited 282 people. I’m pretty sure that you all can figure out a way to pick up a perfectly-able 50 year old woman from the airport. 

Yes, I know you do not have a lot of money and that $80/night is a lot of money for a hotel. But, we have shelled out $16,000 thus far on our wedding. Maybe if you had stopped buying daily lottery tickets and going to bingo so often, you could afford the extra nights in a hotel.

3) The dreaded RSVPs. Okay, you ready for this one? More than 5 days past our “RSVP-by” date, we were still waiting to hear from nearly a third of our guests!. I was fully aware and prepared for the lack of RSVP issue. But, if people don’t RSVP, they are seriously out of my life. I just e-mailed two people who I considered to be good friends (and former coworkers) to remind them to RSVP. Still, nothing. When I asked my mom to contact some of her relatives who had not RSVPed, she refused, saying, “You’ll never get a 100% RSVP rate!  I’m not calling anyone.”  That officially made that the second thing I asked my mom for help with during the wedding, and the second thing she refused to help with. She then continued to tell me that the only time she calls those relatives is when someone dies, so she doesn’t want to scare them by calling them. Nice. Real nice. So instead, I am left being the one reaching out to my mom’s family, which makes me feel weird. Like a “Please, please, don’t you want to come to my party and buy me gifts!” kind of way. 

I will fucking laugh in the faces of people who showed up at our wedding without RSVPing. Why? We have seating for 160 guests. Right now, we have 143 confirmed attendees (we invited 282 people). If we had more than 160 guests RSVP, we were going to rent extra tables. But, we’re not paying money to seat people that potentially may be there. So, if more than 160 come, those who didn’t RSVP won’t have a place to sit. They’ll also be the last to get served food and cake.

So, here’s what I want to say:

To those of you who have not RSVPed or responded to any of my reminder e-mails, I’m done with you. Especially two people who I considered to be my friends. You are losers. My feelings would not have been hurt if you couldn’t come. They are, however, hurt that you didn’t even bother to RSVP.

Mom, I am really mad that you wouldn’t help me track down some of the missing RSVPs.