I hate unreliability. HATE IT. I don’t think anyone likes unreliable people. Even people that know that they themselves are unreliable don’t like other people that are unreliable. I have had my fair run in with unreliable and inconsiderate folks in the last few months. And here is a tirade some of the unreliable or generally inconsiderate folks that have infiltrated my life in the last few weeks.
Fuck you, table runner seamstress lady I found on Craigslist. I dropped off 40 yards of burlap at your house at the end of August to make 25 burlap table runners for my wedding. Six weeks later, you haven’t made me ONE despite promising you’d have them all done at the end of September. You’re either a complete liar, or you have the worst luck in the world From your emergency root canals to car accidents to laryngitis and dog vet visits that have delayed my runners, I didn’t buy any of your excuses anymore. So I went to your house yesterday and took back all of my burlap and thread. And, when I was there, you lied again telling me you “didn’t remember” saying that you would have a sample ready for our final venue walk thru. So now, I have to order ones from an Etsy seller, which I was trying to avoid because they’re so expensive. Which means I now have 40 yards of burlap and nothing to do with it. Don’t worry, in a few weeks, I will file a lawsuit in small claims court suing you for the price of the burlap and the difference in price for what you were going to charge vs. what I had to pay on Etsy. So, while you may have fucked with my nicely planned wedding timeline, I get to say the ultimate fuck you.
A slightly milder fuck you to vendors who try to upsell you at the last minute. And doing it by convincing you that your guests will think you’re a horrible host if you don’t take the upselling option. Well, guess what vendors, if my guests judge me because I don’t feed them h’orderves during cocktails, I don’t care. I haven’t cared about people judging me for a LONG time. Prior to about 3 years ago, I never ever attended a wedding that served h’orderves. But, you realized it was a money maker so now you try to sell it as a necessity. Our guests are GROWNUPS. They do not need to be coddled at every moment. Sheesh. And guess what else? Our guests won’t care that we’re using mismatched paper napkins. Also, vendors, don’t expect me to make important decisions on the spot. Don’t plague us with question after question that we already have the answers to. And, don’t treat your clients like morons. I’m sure some of them are, but at least try to give all of them the benefit of the doubt at first.
To our day-of coordinator, you have been a source of stress instead of a source of help. I’ve been able to find things cheaper than you have and you have seriously questionable taste levels. You have put us in touch with the most unreliable people in the state. From your alcoholic assistant to your handyman that can’t show up on time for shit, nothing has been helpful. And don’t tell me that you don’t want me to do anything to help set up. Our wedding day will be the culmination of more than a YEAR’s worth of work. I want to help set it up. To execute MY vision. Don’t tell that you don’t want me to “stress out about it.” Because I’m not. I’ll stress out about it if I left it all up to you.
Fuck you, local hay bale-offering farms that have said, yes, you can deliver bales of hay to my wedding for decor and extra seating and then NEVER return my e-mails to set up delivery and payment options. Why even tell me that you can do it if you have no intention of following through?
Etsy sellers, you’re mostly great and all, but you seriously overprice your shit and sometimes when I get it in the mail, I am disappointed in what I purchased. I am comforted slightly that I am supporting individuals and small businesses, but seriously, you need to evaluate your pricing. Like the cake topper I ordered that looked wooden in the photo? Just thick cardstock (the description didn’t specify materials either way, but I spent $18 on a cardstock cake topper? Mega disappointed in myself). Or those cute luminaries that have been in magazines recently? They are TINY! Not even full sized and I just spent $45 on them.
To my family, I love you, but I’ve asked you for nothing during this entire process. No financial support. No help with any wedding-related tasks. And now, the one thing I’m asking for, which is for you to stay at a hotel when you’re in town for the wedding, you won’t do because it’s “too expensive.” What do you think, everything we’ve done has been cheap? Please, we need our peace in the days leading up to the wedding. And because you won’t pay an extra $89 to get a hotel room, I’m now just going to ask that you not come down as early as I originally asked. And I feel terrible for doing it.