Dear Wedding Vendors,
I must say, I had some really bad initial experiences with you all (with the one marked exception of wedding photographers). Initially, I was heartened by vendor websites that say “We work within a couple’s budget!” However, that is really only true if you’re looking to spend $80 per person catering instead of $115 per person catering. Caterers were short with me on the phone when I told them I didn’t want to spend more than $20 per person, huffing at all they have to do and all that is involved in catering a wedding, and that I wouldn’t be able to find a place in the DC area. And hey, of course I understand that they have to make money to stay in business.
After these initial experiences, I thought I would have to go over my desired wedding cost of $15,000 to have any sort of “real” wedding in the DC area. Like I mentioned before, while your websites say that you’ll “work with a couple’s budget!”, that’s not really that true. Because my wedding dress budget is $300. What do you think bridal salons are going to say to me when I tell them that?
I don’t want to waste your time, and you shouldn’t want to waste mine. So why don’t you tell me what your ballpark prices are on your website? I know you don’t want to give away your company secrets, but how about just posting an average cost of your last five weddings? Oh that’s right. It’s those pesky sales tactics. You have to rope me in with dreams so that I’ll forget all about my budget and just sign on up.
That happened with the first venue we decided to put a hold on. We loved it, put a two-week no-deposit hold on our desired wedding date, and then contacted the only “budget” caterer on the venue’s list of six approved caterers. They gave us an estimate, which while still very expensive, was the cheapest we had seen. But the estimate left off some very important things, like alcohol packages, table and chair rentals, and linen rentals. So, I contacted the caterer again for an updated estimate. No response. Ever. I knew exactly what she was doing. She was hoping she could put off talking to me during the two-week hold period, and that she’d probably call me back after I put down a deposit on the venue. That way she could have me roped in to whatever price she wanted. Uh uh. Not playing that game. I let the two-week hold expire.
I saw a post recently by a wedding vendor who said “Why is the perception that if wedding vendors make money on weddings, we are ripping off our clients? I can’t afford a Bentley, should they stop making them?”
So, here’s the deal. It’s heartbreaking to couples who want (or need) to stick to their budget. I know you’re a business. I know that you’re in business to make money, and that when all is said and done, you probably don’t make that much given the time and effort you put in. But for someone who is newly engaged and wants to have a budget wedding, it is, without much doubt, terrifying to brides to see how little they get for their money. Wedding magazines and wedding blogs tell us what our weddings are supposed to look like. And when we realize what those types of weddings cost, it makes us wonder how we can ever have a “real” wedding!
So, I’ve compiled a list of things I have noticed in my interactions with vendors. Obviously, not every wedding vendor is guilty of each one of the following things, but these are some topics that appeared a LOT.
1) 90% of vendor websites blow. Attention venues. You’re charging me a LOT of money. For the love of all things sweet and holy, please put some work into your websites and hire a professional to do them (this goes for all vendors, but venues especially). And don’t think that just because you paid someone to design it in 2002 that it fits today’s standards. A $10,000 minimum for your venue and catering on a Saturday and you have only a few crappy pictures of your venue that I can’t even zoom in on, two of which picture brides circa 1993? For those prices, I want to see a full-on 360 degree virtual tour of your venue, with high-resolution images that I can zoom in on. I want to see if I like your venue first before I waste our time making a trek there! Oh yes, and a “video tour” does not mean you can put a slideshow of still images together to music. Walk me through your venue. I want to see how things connect and flow. I don’t want to waste your time and mine if I can eliminate your venue from the beginning.
2) List your prices. Even if you do “customize to every couple,” at least put a starting price. Again, I don’t want to waste your time by making you put together a detailed estimate that I won’t even come close to paying for. And why don’t you list your prices? It’s not like vendors have tried to court me with their services before listing their prices. I e-mail them, they e-mail me an estimate or a brochure or pricing sheet. If it’s that easy, why can’t you put it on your website to begin with? Please don’t waste mine by making me e-mail you and ask what your prices are.
3) Personal Finances. It is embarrassing for me to discuss my budget, money, and the details of such an important day with a stranger. I don’t want you to think I’m cheap and I don’t want you to think that I don’t value your skillsets and expertise or that I somehow don’t value my wedding day. So please know that when I ask you for a discount or potential barter arrangement, it is not something I take lightly. It took a lot of courage and I am embarrassed that I’m doing it. Every wedding reference book tells me to negotiate, so this is my feeble attempt.
4) Social Media. If you don’t use it, then I won’t contact you. If you don’t have a regularly-updated web presence, then it reflects extremely badly on you, I don’t care how amazing your Wedding Wire reviews are. If your blog was most recently updated six months ago, or your PDF menu is still from 2008, it makes me wonder what other things you put off for a really long time? Perhaps responding to my e-mails? Or maybe showing up late on my wedding day? I also spend a time reading potential vendors’ twitter feeds. There is a lot you can learn about their personality from their tweets! Social media is PR. So even if your excuse is “I don’t have time to update my blog because I’m busy helping my clients!” I don’t buy it. There are plenty of vendors out there that update regularly. You should do the same.
5) Doctor-Patient Relationships. You’re a wedding vendor, and this is what you do for a living, so you probably don’t understand why I’m asking so many questions or even on the border of freakoutland. I liken this relationship to doctor and patient. When my dad had open heart surgery, I was scared and terrified. But to the surgeon, it was just another day in “the office” and the procedure isn’t unusual to him because he does it every day. It’s unusual to me though! So bear with me!
6) I don’t necessarily know my wedding date yet, I’m just putting out feelers. I quickly learned that my fiancé and I did something a little unusual. We shopped venues without a wedding date in mind. I mean, sure we had a timeframe, Fall 2011, but vendors were a bit taken aback when we said we didn’t have a date. I’m just checking your prices. I’ll worry about availability later.
7) Calendar Availability. For those that do have a date in mind, publish your availability via calendar or some other mechanism. I came across a few wedding vendor websites that did this. Incredibly useful!
8) Oh, you have online reviews? EVERY VENDOR SEEMS TO BE A TOP RATED BRIDE’S CHOICE WIRE VENDOR. Don’t expect me to bow down in awe at your wedding wire badge. Meaningless. I trust Yelp reviews much more.
9) Your “Contacts” and “Suppliers” make me think “Shady.” When you tell me that you “can get something cheaper,” I’m not just going to take your word for it. So, if you’re a caterer and I say that I want to buy my own linens rather than rent them, don’t just tell me flat out that you can get them cheaper through your suppliers. I’m going to want to the data and figures to back that up.
Phew, that was a lot to get off my chest. Now, I’m off to e-mail DJ’s (as part of my April Action Plan) to get their prices and availability, because, go figure, they don’t publish it on their websites.
Brides, what else am I missing?
19 comments
AMEN!!!
Did you figure out a venue yet?
Yep! It’s at a national park site just outside of dc. But because it is a national park, they had complicated application procedures. We should find out if our date has been confirmed by next month.
Hi Melissa, Have you found your venue yet? I believe Berry Barn in Leesburg, VA is $1500-2500 which includes tables, chairs, and basic linens. Also, Billingsly House in MD is $840 for a 7 hour Saturday Rental which includes tent, tables, chairs.
Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding!
Hi! Yep, we finally found a venue within our budget, and we’re actually renting it out for 3 days for $1500. It’s a campground site in Northern Virginia. I’ll write a full post on it shortly, once our wedding date is confirmed (there’s like a two month waiting period to find out if your date is confirmed). No big deal though, because at this point, the venue is more important than the date, so if we don’t get our desired date, we’ll just figure out what dates are available. Also, thanks for the venue reccs! I get e-mails from other brides looking for budget venues in the area, so that’s great to know!
I am a vendor and can empathize with what you are going through. Here is a post that touches on a couple of your frustrations that I wrote.
http://specialdaydesign.wordpress.com/2010/03/01/wedding-vendor-awards-not-what-they-seem/
You forgot, the all important one: AT LEAST call or email a potential client BACK! The next, please have an updated proposal sheet that does not look like something you printed off of one of the printshop cds from the 90s! Lastly, just because I don’t have an endless, overflowing supply of money to drop on this wedding does not mean I want the 1990s wedding decor and menu that screams of tackiness! #thatisall. Great list by the way!
Awesome additions Kay! Funny enough, most vendors have been responsive, at least to my initial requests for info. Their email promptness declines as time goes on though. Oh yeah, but don’t get me started on their proposal sheets. One caterer emailed me a SCANNED copy of his brochure. Technology FAIL. Why didn’t he have an electronic version??
Hi, Melissa!
As a vendor, I feel I must respond to your open letter. I’ve followed you for a little while now and how is it that one bride gets all the crappy vendors? LOL. I am completely appalled at what you’ve experienced in my industry. It is a total shame that these things happen. No wonder brides want to DIY their entire wedding. I recently attended a wedding leaders conference in DC and I was shocked that the speaker even had to address these very issues in one of the sessions! You are right. There are many vendors out there that are shady. BUT not all of us are. And what is a bride to do about that? How does she wade through the sea of wedding vendors to find one who is honest and true to what they advertise? On the flip side, how does the honest vendor, like me, push through the shady, “2010 top-ranked” sea of wedding vendors to a bride, like you, so you can have your questions answered? We’re out here!
One thing I suggest to brides when they first get engaged is to research what it will really cost for the wedding related items they want in their area. For example, in DC, a caterer will be more expensive than in Front Royal, VA. However, the price will also determine the quality of service. Usually. Price can’t always be your deciding factor, though. Determine what you want, then shop for a caterer who fits what you want. They’re out there. How do you find them without spending all day on the internet?
Hiring a wedding planner/coordinator will help. Instead of thinking of your wedding coordinator as just another vendor you’ll have to pay, think of him/her as your personal assistant. One who can take your budget (which is not a dirty word and is nothing to be embarrassed by) and your desires and find you at least 3 caterers that fit your budget and personality. Then you can make the choice. 9 times out of 10, a coordinator will save you money or at least give you the most bang for your budget. For example, I recently did a wedding for a bride who had a similar dress budget as yours. I heard that a local boutique was having a dress sale. 75% – 80% off original prices. We went together and she found one off the rack – better than what she had expected – and only paid $125 for a brand new dress! Boom! She saved $175 on her dress budget and re-purposed that money into her flower budget. This wasn’t a hugely advertised sale (like on TV or in the paper) but because I keep in touch with our boutiques, I knew about it right when it happened. So, coordinators really DO save you time and money.
In defense of the industry – we have our share of frustrations over brides. We have brides who do not e-mail us back and who do not return calls. I, for one, get leads from a wedding website that I’m listed on and 90% of the time there are no phone numbers TO call. (Legit or no?) Brides are supposedly the ones filling out the info forms but sometimes I wonder. I e-mail responses within 24 hours and usually do not get a response back from a bride. Why? Because they give e-mails address that are legit, but go to a junk e-mail “collector” like g-mail, yahoo, or msn.com. How do I know? I send them follow up e-mails through an e-mail manager/tracking system and find that only 30 percent are even opened. I understand why. Brides will sign up for our freebies but are afraid we will spam them. Some companies do that. Fail. A good vendor will have checks and balances when you opt in for something. However, most vendors out there are just now learning how to get tech-savvy and have a web presence. Some get it, some don’t. So please go easy on us as a whole. Then there are some brides who are just price shopping so I may never hear back from them. It sure would be nice to hear from a bride, “Thanks for responding to me but we chose to go with X.”
Speaking of freebies – brides are great at taking our freebies but will not give us the time of day after that. Brides want great photography, but then ask for photographers to lower their cost. One more thing, I’m frustrated with all the wedding publications that show these dreamy, lavish weddings that say “budget” on them when in all actuality, they cost a pretty penny! Even Martha Stewart DIY weddings are pricey! They are over-saturating brides to a point that she will feel embarrassed if she has a budget short of unlimited.
You said in your post that you know that we need to make a living yet you negated that statement with a big ol’ BUT. That confuses me. Either you appreciate the value we have to offer or you don’t. If you have a set budget, embrace it and ask for help from a qualified planner to help you get what you want within that budget. A beautiful wedding can be done on ANY budget. I wish more brides would have a budget. That way they know where their money is coming from and how they’re going to pay for things. I wish more brides would stick to their budget – surprisingly there are many who say they have X amount but do not have the will power to stick to it. I understand! With all the eye candy out there, most brides can’t resist temptation.
Whew! That was a lot to respond to. I wish you all the best for your wedding day. BTW – stop calling it a “budget wedding” as if it’s second rate. You are having a WEDDING!! And it’s all yours!! 🙂
I’m sorry but most of what you say is b.s. Why do you charge different prices for the same things???? I’m sure you o, b/c my experience is that if I call and say wedding and then my fiance calls an says anniversary party we get the same things quoted at completely different prices.
You’re all basically a bunch of crooks and liars. Brides want to DIY it b/c otherwise it means going into massive debt or not having a wedding.
Oh and the coordinators START at 2k and go up from there. They ARE another vendor to pay. 2k is ALOT of money, especially if you don’t know if the planner doesn’t do their part in the end. Many people I know have had to hire planners they already paid and had them try to sell them on tons of stuff they didn’t want. The planners were being given kickbacks from vendors in addition to what they were being paid by the client. I actually never heard of a single case where the brie and groom still liked their planner by the time the wedding came around. And for this “service” they paid dearly.
Smokeykitty: Not all coordinators charge $2,000+. There are those of us who have lower prices because we have lower overhead, like work out of a home office or work solo. Some who charge higher prices may have staff to pay the day of your wedding. Sometimes, the better coordinators/planners you’ll find on smaller sites like Eventective, or WedPlan.net, or Thumbtack.com.
Every bride we’ve worked with has come out better for having us on their team. Many have said that we treated them like family and went above and beyond what was expected. If you want to be sure a planner does their part, you need to call their references. Did any of your friends do that? Did they know they could even *ask* a planner for references? You can! And you should!! You are spending your hard earned money on the assurance that your wedding day will go smoothly and that you’ll have no worries.
Here’s an example of what I do:
http://taylormade-weddings.com/perfectbeginnings/?p=705
SisiL78: I’m sorry – but what I say is not b.s. and you seem to be lumping the whole wedding industry together in a box. We’re all not the same. Just like trying on a wedding dress where each one fits differently and costs various prices, so it is with wedding vendors. Look – there ARE those out there who are dishonest and markup prices for weddings. Is that right? No! So we don’t do business with those who operate like that and neither should you. As Melissa has pointed out, there is much research to be done to find a venue that will not break the bank. There ARE those out there, contrary to your belief, that do honest business. Most are smaller businesses like Mom&Pop or family-owned businesses. So, to say that “you’re all a bunch of crooks and liars” is totally not true. Yes, weddings are expensive!! When you start adding up the cost of even a simple DIY buffet of chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes/gravy, rolls for 150 people…that’s a lot!! The higher prices you find at hotels and catering halls is that you have to pay a staff to serve and possibly the type of menu you select. Sometimes the high ticket price comes because it’s the venue itself like a historic location. And sometimes…it’s just plain ol’ sticker shock for the couple at how much a wedding costs. I did a wedding for 150 for a bride who only had $5,000 and she still paid me my full fee for day-of coordinating! It can be done with the right people on your team!!
Hi Darlene! I guess it’s the nature of things that we only tend to lament about our more negative experiences. So, in all fairness, we have had good vendor experiences as well. Nearly all of the photographers we interviewed were wonderful, and the one that we did select is fantastic! Although we’re doing some self-catering, we’re also getting some catering from a local BBQ restaurant. They have been great and really responsive. And you may have seen on twitter that we selected a florist that is also very reasonable and also gets great yelp reviews and was amazingly helpful during our consultation. So, no, not all my vendor experiences have been bad. And I can really just chalk a lot of it up to sticker shock and the immediate complaining that spews from my mouth and onto this blog immediately after.
We are hiring a “day-of” coordinator. We worked out a barter arrangement in which my fiance and I redesigned her website in exchange for day of services. She has been helpful in many ways, well ahead of her “month of/day of” responsibilities, and I have no doubt that I’ll be really thankful for her and her assistant’s help on the day of the wedding, but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Because *deep breath* I am a total control freak. Let me explain by way of example. She recommended a local bakery and arranged for a cake tasting. The cake was great and the prices reasonable, and after a few more tastings from different bakeries we arranged ourselves, we decided to follow up with the bakery the coordinator recommended. This has been going on the last few days actually. I’m in total hyperventilation mode because everything now seems to have to go through the coordinator when I have a question about the cakes. I just want to communicate to the bakery myself! (although of course I realize I can ask to talk to her directly, I’m just trying to keep my control freak self, well, under control.)
I completely, completely agree about DIY not being cheap! I had a post a few months ago that talks about the DIY “look” of weddings, and DIY weddings that include some really expensive elements. But, because brides hear the word DIY, they automatically think cheaper.
I do agree that brides want a lot for very little money. Books like Bridal Bargains tell us to negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. And then boom. There’s almost never room for negotiation, and we brides feel like fools. The one thing I have discovered is that when we asked, some vendors are willing to provide a discount if we offer to pay in full, up front. We did that with our photographer, and she dropped the price $150. Plus, we don’t have to worry about making another payment in the busy weeks leading up to the wedding.
Thanks again for your comment!
[…] Melissa on July 13, 2011 I tend to rag on wedding vendors quite a bit. In fact just the other day, I went on a complete rant on Twitter about how, […]
I am GLAD to hear that not everyone has lost their head in this industry! LOL
I understand control freak – I am one! HA! I’m glad you hired someone to manage your wedding day. If you can learn to let go as you get closer to your wedding day, you will enjoy your day. Promise. Speaking of your coordinator, maybe she feels a little “protective” about the bakery since she found them for you. So put yourself in her shoes – although I think you get it. A good coordinator will allow the planning details to be worked out directly between the vendor and the bride with only minimal supervision (if any at all). I prefer for vendors to talk directly with the bride and if she wants me to attend I will. I will keep my mouth shut unless my opinion is needed. It’s best when the vendor can hear from the bride what the bride really wants. After the vendor meeting/tasting, I like to follow up with the bride and go over what she caught from the meeting. Sometimes they catch everything and sometimes they don’t which is why you should follow up.
I politely warn you – you will butt heads with your coordinator if you try to do her job on your wedding day. You both want the same thing – your happiness – so try to realize she’s not out to steal your spotlight or do what she wants or anything like that. You hired her for a reason…so you could enjoy your day. Cross your “t’s” and dot your “i’s” and leave the rest up to her! You both will be miserable if you try to micromanage her on your wedding day.
In my experience, if I negotiate my price down I’m devaluing my service. I had a recent bride tell me she loved me, she needed me (her wedding was 6 weeks away) but couldn’t afford to have me. I worked out a payment plan for her instead of bringing down my price. We’re all happy. I can pay my bills and she can stop stressing.
I look forward to your blog posts – it’s exciting and interesting to follow your adventures in wedding planning! And thank you for the candid comments and the open letter to wedding vendors. Believe me, it’s needed!
[…] Melissa on July 25, 2011 A few weeks ago I pointed out my propensity to rag on vendors quite a bit, so I wrote a post about how to be nice to your wedding vendors, from a Bride’s […]
[…] been several months since my first open letter to wedding vendors. And I had initially started drafting this post before my wedding, but I just never had a chance to […]
You’re missing my personal favorite part… The part where they charge you A LOT more for a wedding. In one case a venue sent us a price sheet for catering and rental by accident that was for a “regular” celebration. We thought we had our place, it was very affordable and exactly what we wanted. We went to visit and were ready to sign on the dotted line. Well, the manager pulls out the wedding price list. Same food, same everything, just prices nearly twice as high. She promised to honor the price list that we were initially given but hasn’t returned our calls or emails since.
Another venue (just venue and basic rentals) also sent us the non-wedding price list. We loved the place, again we were ready to sign up b/c a venue plus rentals for under 2k was the best scenario we’d seen up until then. The cost for a wedding (everything else EXACTLY the same) was 8500!! but she’d give us a deal since we were thinking a Sunday wedding, a mere 4500. Seriously? Just for a barn with some tables and plates thrown in?
Don’t ask them to explain why throwing an anniversary party or other social function serving the exact same food on the same plates set on the same tables with fancily dressed people sitting in the same chairs sipping the same booze from the same glasses and dancing to to the same DJ on the same dance floor that your wedding dancing would be going on. Why oh why is it suddenly twice the same friggin’ price???
We finally found a venue that charges everyone the same price, only charity events get a discount. Whether we throw a big party or hold a concert there its the same price.
Now we need to find a caterer, unfortunately we are getting the same double talk. Like above its all about “customizing” the price to fit our budget. Bull sh*t. It should not cost 6 bucks a person just for cheese cubes, or 10 per person for salad that is nothing but lettuce on a plate…. a plate I have to rent for an additional fee b/c I only get the lettuce for 10 dollars each. Oh, and it doesn’t include the staff charge of 130 (or more) each to serve the plated lettuce. Only one catering company out of hundreds in my area has a price list online. JUST ONE. They are pretty expensive, but at least they are honest and upfront about their prices and don’t change them for weddings.
My final pet peeve is the 18-20 percent “gratuity” that seems to be mandatory everywhere. They quote you a price, its at the top of your budget but you can swing it. But, then they are adding 20 percent!!! If its mandatory why isn’t it just included in the price? Why is this extra charge hidden in fine print or in a list of gobbeldy gook?
Wedding planning has been so miserable, I just wanted to have a low key party… a way to get the family together and celebrate. But I’m so miserable and anxiety ridden and quite frankly just plain angry and frustrated that I think the wedding will just be a trip to the JP and dinner out with our parents.
Well, I know a caterer (if you’re in northern VA) who is WAY lower than what you mentioned. I would be happy to give you her number. She will customize your menu to what whatever you want…I mean she’s even making tofu and vegetarian dishes for a summer wedding we have coming up. She doesn’t have online menus because she wants to know what YOU want so that your menu is totally yours.
The 20%, according to state law, has to be shown separately for tax and gratuity. And yes, that’s mandatory from the state. Don’t get upset with the caterer, write a letter to the city. It’s for food tax and labor stuff. The “gobbeldy gook” is legal stuff that every business has to follow. Not only do caterers have to pay for purchasing the food, out of your catering price comes the TIME to prepare the food. And prepare it so that nobody gets sick. The cooking, chopping, serving, and having a little bit leftover for a profit.
If you want caterers to come in at a lower price, then quite them a lower budget. For example, if you have a budget of $2000 for food, then quote them $1500. that way when they quote you $1500 for your menu, you have enough in your budget to pay for tax and gratuity.
One thing I always tell brides, when working their budgets, figure a max that you don’t want to go over. Then shoot for a lower amount, a few hundred dollars cheaper. Do this for every category…wedding gown, food, DJ, etc. For a dress – if you have $800 budgeted, make that your max then shop for something in the $600 range.
All the professionals say the same thing: Determine what you want, take an honest look at your budget, then tweak to fit. Determine what is negotiable and non-negotiable and go from there.
Maybe I should offer a class to brides about how to survive the wedding industry?? Hmmm…